Gunfighter: A Modern Warrior's Life

Old Ladies

When we were in Florida a few weeks ago, we had the occasion to try and hide out from a fast-moving thunderstorm (as you get in central Florida in the afternoons), right as we neared the Norwegian pavillion at EPCOT. 

While we joined the queue for the Norwegian themed ride called Maelstrom,were were joined by two young couples from Providence, Rhode Island, who were behind us in the line, just as we were behind a family group the consisted of a boy of around 10, a young teen-aged girl, a woman in her 40's and an older woman, who seemed to be the matriarch of the group, who was using one of those electric scooters that are fairly common to folks with mobility problems.  The old lady's family were all in front of her, and she pulled up the rear, directly in front of me, In her scooter.

Well, the line was progressing steadily towards the ride's loading area, when all of a sudden, my family and the group behind us were assaulted by what had to be the most horrendous fart in human history.

Now, friends, you know that I don't really like to talk about such things at my blog.  I think things scatalogical are best left for other venues... but I have to tell you that this was bad.  Wait.  No, it wasn't just bad.  To say that this was bad would do a grave in justice to the gravity of this situation.  this was just plain freakin' horrible!  You know, I get I get it... I understand that we can all be gassy at times.  I understand that we all have our moments, but this was just too much.  This evil cow didn't even have the grace to play the old lady card and laugh and say "oops!  Sorry about burning your eyebrows and nostril hairs off with that one."

Seriously.  Who does that? 

I'll answer my own question:  Boorish old ladies do it, that's who!

To prove my point, we will shift scenes and fast forward to last week, while I was shopping at Wegmans, I went to get some baking soda (soccergirl needed it for her itchy bug bites acquired at Girl Scout camp), and there was an older couple and a few other people in the aisle.  The older couple was standing right where I was going... and when I was about three feet away I heard a loud Brrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!coming from the old lady.  Everyone in the aisle looked aghast, and the lady never flinched.  Her husband had the grace to look mortified, as everyone else, with a look of horror on our faces, turned and fled the aisle.

Now, really.  No seriously.  That ain't right.  It's not even close to being right.  The very least she could have done would be to have gone someplace else to let that thing fly.

What is it that I am missing here?  That type of sophomoric behavior is usually the province of young men in their teens and early twenties.  Is it some sort of old lady empowerment thing?  Do they not care because they are getting too old to be bothered with the niceties of civil behavior?

Help a brother out, here.

Here is a picture of the offender in Florida.  The dirty cow!

 

Britney Spears-Like (Barbarians At The Gate) (2)

Last January, I mentioned my love affair with tabloid magazines. I admitted to loving them because the lives of celebrities are so far removed from my own that reading about their antics is sort of like watching animals in a zoo.

Well, yesterday, the Gunfighter family got just a little too close to the reality of certain celebrity-style bad behavior.

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Orlando. The sky was clear and the weather was warm... ok, it was hot, work with me here, people! We had made plans to go to SeaWorld for the day, and see the attractions there. We were all looking forward to it... Mrs Gunfighter hadn't been to SeaWorld since she was a child, and SoccerGirl and I, despite our many, many trips to Orlando had never been there at all.

We arrived early and got a really great parking place. Our entry into the park could have been a bit faster, but we had no real worries, as we had gotten our tickets ahead of time.

SeaWorld was fun. We saw Seals, Penguins, Puffins, Dolphins, Killer Whales (the Shamu show was very cool)... we even got to see Polar Bears.

We spent a fine time at the park, and were about to leave when Mrs GF had to go to the ladies room. SG was playing with some other kids on a Polar Bear-styled playground apparatus, while I stood there watching pretty girls walk by vigilantly standing by in case of emergency, when I saw something that I had heretofore only seen in a tabloid magazine.

I witnessed a woman walking towards the ladies room scant seconds after Mrs GF went in. The fact that another woman was entering the ladies room meant nothing, but that's when the celebrity behavior began.

This lady wasn't just going into the ladies room, she was going into the public restroom WITH. BARE. FEET.

You heard me. Barefoot.

I hope that what I just heard was a collective gasp of disgust.

I thought this kind of activity that Britney Spears and her sort engaged in. Well, I was wrong. Deciding on the spot that this is something that I should blog about (I'm so sad, aren't I?), I grabbed my camera and laid in wait for her retrun.

So, here she is, in all of her trashy glory, an unidentified Englishwoman who used a public restroom while barefoot.

If you ever meet this woman, be very skeptical of eating in her home, or letting your children play in her house!

GF

I'll be back this evening to talk about Senator Craig... you KNOW I'm not letting that one go by!

Inappropriate Relationships

**NOTE** I wrote this in February... I am just getting around to posting it.

I'm not talking about you and the significant other that doesn't treat you right. I'm not talking about how some NRA members relate to their guns. I'm not even talking about what some people have with their own cousins.

No.

I'm talking about some people and their relationship with their cars. Yes, their cars.

Before you start thinking that good ol' Gunfighter has been sniffing gunpowder or something, let me tell you what caused this particular train of thought to burst forth from the station that is my mind.

Today was my day to drop Olivia at school, which I did @ 9 A.M., I had to return home to switch cars, since it is against agency policy to transport anyone in my government owned vehicle, as I turned the corner onto my street, I noticed one of my seldom seen new neighbors was out in his driveway, lovingly washing his car.



Now, at first you might think that this isn't that big of a deal... after all, people wash their cars all the time, right? Well, read on, gentle friends.

Some of you live in the same geographical area as me, so you might have noticed the frozen precipitation that we had last week. You know, the ice that had area schools closed most of last week? Well, the good thing is that the weather took an upswing yesterday, with warm breezes, temperatures in the 50's, and a bit of warm pre-spring rain. This nice weather, which continues today, is melting lots of the plowed up snow and ice, leaving the wet streets slick with the gummy remains of all of the sand that the various public works people have spread to keep us all from killing ourselves on the roads.

Well, since the roads are still wet and mucky, why would you be washing your car? Now, I don't mean rinsing the muck from your car, that’s one thing, but this guy is out there with a long-handled brush, hose, sponge, and large bucket of sudsy water, actually caressing the bloody car! To tell you the truth, it was kind of creepy. It isn't like the guy drives a Jag or anything... I don't get it.

Now, if this was just some sort of aberrant behavior, that would be one thing... but this is just an indicator of a phenomenon that I have observed for years. This is mostly a male thing, but, women can be just as nuts about it as men can.

I understand that people want to get the sand, grit, and snow-melting chemicals off of their cars, but please… these same people are the ones that, before they go to work in the morning, are wiping the dew off of their cars with a chamois cloth! What’s that all about? It’s just a bleeding car! Sure, keep it clean, but wipe off the water? That’s just stupid. When I have asked people why they do that, I have been greeted with the blank stare usually reserved for the village idiot, and gotten this reply: “So I won’t have water spots” (God save us!) I just wish that these same people were the sort to be as careful about keeping the neighborhood clean, or their yards as nice, as they keep their cars.



I see this phenomenon as being a small part of one of the worst parts of American culture. You see, we tend to think that our stuff makes us special. Our stuff, our immortality symbols. We see them as things that make us better, more desirable, more valuable. People drive monstrous SUV’s that they never haul anything in, and never take off the road, despite the fact that SUV’s are considered trucks, and are therefore not required to have catalytic converters. This means that they pollute the air more than vehicles that do have converters. People drive these vehicles because they impart (in the minds of some) a certain level of status. Near where we live, there are subsidized income apartments (a great many occupied by members of the armed forces) where many of the residents drive these gargantuan, $40,000 cars. What does that say about us? We’d make a $600 a month car payment, rather than buy a house to live in?

I struggle with this regularly. I’m not suggesting that everyone drive the same kind of car as me… not at all. I just don’t get it why anyone would spend that kind of money on something so incredibly depreciable. That $40K car won’t take you anywhere that my $6K car won’t take you (and mine is paid for!)… so, what’s the point?

I know guys that I work with that drive Chevy Suburbans… who the hell needs one of those things? It costs them $70 dollars to fill the gas tank. That’s nuts! Some of them even spend money for this:



Anyway… this is just sort of spilling out because it has been on my mind (aren’t you glad you can’t see inside of it?). You can go back to your regularly scheduled programs, now.

GF