Hi, Golden Globes, it’s me, Bill. Can we talk? Great. Thanks for taking a moment to listen to me on a busy press day like this one.
So! You had your big night on Sunday… I can imagine that you are feeling pretty good after the way it went… the glamorous stars in their finery, the eating, drinking, and feelings of camaraderie for the film & television industry’s big night. I am happy for you, even though I was unable to celebrate with you initially. You see, Big Love made its season premiere the same night, and I had to hurry up and order HBO on DirecTV in time to watch it. Hopefully, you will be gratified to know that I did watch you on Monday while I did laundry and ironed my shirts.
Yes, indeed, GG, you were spectacular. Not only did one of my favorite shows win for best comedy, but two of its stars were recognized individually in their own categories! Even better was the fact that “The Social Network” did as well as it did. I confess that as a Facebook user, I was kind of hoping that it would do well. I further confess that I didn’t see the movie… or any other theater release in 2010 (but I did read about ALL of the nominees, so I hope you won’t be too angry).
Can I tell you, GG, that there were a few moments that made me truly proud during the telecast, such as when the second banana from Glee, you know, the guy who isn’t Ryan Murphy, said that public school teachers had the most important job in America (or words to that effect). I couldn’t agree more. I was also pleased about Annette Benning winning an award for The Kids Are Alright. Not because I liked the film… as you know, I didn’t see it, remember? No, what I like about that was the fact that she went unrecognized for her excellent work in Open Range, several years ago. So, yeah… there were good moments for me. There were more good moments, and I will tell you about them in a moment, but before I do, I have to throw a few bricks at you, because, as you know, I am all about being “Fair and Balanced”. Its ok, you can laugh about that, I did, too.
Anyway, about those bricks; the first one I need to throw is more of a cultural brick than one aimed specifically at you, because I know that this one isn’t your fault, namely: What is it with nerd glasses these days? Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. In the past year, celebrities of all sorts have started wearing thick-rimmed glasses. On it’s face this wouldn’t bother me, if it wasn’t for the fact that I see this as an attempt at some really f***ed up form of faux gravitas. Seriously… we live in a time when Hollywood celebrities engage in any and all forms of self-mutilation from ridiculous breast augmentation, face lifts, lip injections, butt lifts, fake pectoral muscles, tummy tucks, dental veneers, botox injections, liposuction, nips and tucks, and everything else including near starvation in the pursuit of “beauty” (in truth, they do it so they can keep working). I find these things horrifying… Wait, no that was dishonest… I am only saying that because I can’t afford any of that stuff, but I digress. My point here is that given the expense that stars will go to look perfect, I refuse to believe that any of those people would shy away from spending three thousand dollars for a laser procedure to correct their eyesight, and avoid having to wear glasses or contacts. No, I can’t help but feel that this is a style-only thing, where some of these people are wearing geeky glasses so they will look smart. Certainly what they wear is their own business, but in my humble opinion, they are beyond ridiculous.
Since I am on the subject of fashion can I tell you what I thought of some of the fashions? The following people looked like shit on your show: Sandra Bullock. Yes I know that some people consider her America’s sweetheart (not mine, but there you are), but she looked bloody awful in that dress… and her hair! My God, I would have volunteered to shoot the stylist myself. Natalie Portman: Best Actress in a drama or not… she looked like crap as she squeaked, mouse-like, through her acceptance speech. Helena Bonham Carter…. Do I really need to say anything about her? That chick is just creepy. Lastly, I have to wonder what sort of look Geoffrey Rush was trying to pull off, with that stupid looking hat that he wore during the whole show.
Whew! You know, GG, I feel a lot better having spoken to you about these few items. I enjoy watching you every year, but certainly never more than I have for the past two years, when you have been hosted by the brilliantly funny Ricky Gervais. You know, since I mentioned Mr. Gervais, might I have a word with you about him? What is up with your management having conniption fits about his jokes? You must be kidding me…. Ricky Gervais is a professional comic. He tells jokes, and rather funny ones at that, for a living. Moreover, Gervais is an Englishman and as such has a slightly different manner of delivery to his humor. While I am aware that some of my countrymen may not get his jokes, I certainly didn’t find him to be mean-spirited or having crossed any lines of taboo as he took comedic stabs at some Hollywood icons. All of the current hub-bub puts me in mind of the big to-do at the Oscars several years ago when Chris Rock made a few jokes about Jude Law who had made five or six movies that were released in one year, by the time the show was over, half of Hollywood seemed to have a beef. Especially the self-important jackass Sean Penn, who was portrayed this year at your show by Robert Downey Jr, whose work I normally enjoy. Its Hollywood friends… here is a little free advice from your Uncle Bill (hey, stop picturing Brian Keith in your heads!) if you don’t have a thick skin, you’d better hope that you have a knack for growing scabs quickly considering some of the garbage you put out.
Hey, thanks for the talk… I’ll see you (and hopefully more of Ricky Gervais, and less of the nerd glasses) next year.
**NOTE** In case anyone reading this is sensitive about wearing glasses, give it a rest. I am aware that wearing glasses doesn’t make you a nerd. Further, I don’t think that wearing glasses makes a person particularly attractive (or not). If that did offend you, please see my advice to the Hollywood glitterati.