My name is Queen of the Mayhem and I am a REPUBLICAN. (dodging
flying rocks from the peanut gallery). Who would have thought that my
old friend Gunfighter would set a RED gal like me free on his site! I
figured while he was gone I would lower the standard a little and write
about my favorite topic.....NONSENSE!
To that end, I thought I might share some of the crazy things I
have done to my family to appease my incredible desire to embrace all
1. I have actually locked Mr. Mayhem out the car and insisted he
perform dance moves before entering the vehicle. After a rousing
routine of the cabbage patch and running man....he gainted entry. (If
you have never seen the video of this on America's Funniest Home
Videos....you MUST...it is cinematic genius)
2. Mr. Mayhem is often annoyed by my ability to amuse myself.
Because of this....I feel like I must do it as much as humanly
possible! One day, while having a rousing conversation about male
bathroom politics, I asked if he, "Shined his naked (nekked is the
correct southern pronunciation) buns when he used the urinal?" Just
the fact that I uttered the word buns had me rolling.......but his
indignant reply sent me over the edge. It went something like,"If I
saw a guy shining his ass in the bathroom, I would punch him in his
mouth!" I laughed until I cried on numerous occasions....even just
remembering it! GOOD TIMES!
3. I have a saying I use with The Princess (my soon to be 10 year
old daughter), it goes, "Life is tough and then you die." This is the
best response to whiny cries of, "That's not fair," and other girlie
nonsense. Somedays I will transpose the saying into different genres
of music. It can run the gambit from opera to gangster rap. You can
only imagine how well received this is when she feels the world has
4. I am a fourth grade teacher. I actually refer to myself as the
Queen in my classroom (can we say delusions of grandeur?). I remind
them constantly that, while America is a democracy and we are blessed
to live in such a wonderful country, my classroom is a straight
monarchy and they must adopt the mantra, "Don't question the Queen!"
It's actually a great way to establish that I run the show, while still
using a bit of levity to make the point! ( Oh....and yes....I DO
believe that working with children has helped to foster my love of the
5. Oh....and finally.....the best of the list. Proof positive
that I am perpetually stuck in fourth grade........while on vacation
with a group of girlfriends, one of them bought a machine that makes a
noise eerily similar to that of passing gas. The sounds ranged from
short and loud (this one made me laugh the most) to exceptionally
long. We then proceeded to use it on unsuspecting victims for the
rest of the trip. (Did I mention this was only a few years ago?) The
scene would go down something like this......we stumble across some
people minding their own business, we go stand by them, I would utter
something along the lines of,"OOOOH! My stomach hurts SO bad....why
did you let me eat all that food?" Then my friend would push the
button and we would die laughing watching their reactions. Would it
make me sound like a loser if I told you we rode the elevator up and
down waiting for people to get on so we could torture them? Yes?
Well.....then that NEVER happened!
There you have it. My confession typed for all of the world to
see. Blessed to spend the rest of my professional life molding the
lives of the future leaders of our country AND yet, still acting like I
am ten years old! It's a tough job....but somebody's got to do it.
Though Gunfighter and the Queen can't seem to agree on politics,
they do both share a love of family! Feel free to check out the day to
day nonsense that occurs in the Deep South at www. millermayhem.com.