Gatekeeper Moms

If any of you ever take the time to look at my Blog-Log widget that displays the photos of many of the people that visit my blog, you will quickly gather that my blog is read primarily by women.  Many of those women are Mothers... so-called "mommy-bloggers".    It has been my privilege to blog among so many of these intelligent and fun ladies for the past year or so.

One of the great things about blogging communities, is that from your computer, you get glimpses, sometimes in great detail, about lives other than your own... and that has to be a good thing, doesn't it?  I mean, isn't that one of the best ways to learn?  exposure to things that are outside of your own experience?  Well, this is just another example, writ large. 

You all know that I am a parent, and that being a dad is very, VERY important to me.  I want to talk about parenting today in a way that I haven't really spoken about it before.

You see, I love being a father, and I believe that as important as mothers are, fathers are equally important.  Oh, I know that most or all of you believe that, too, and I am heartily glad of it.... but once we get past that lovely sentiment, we run hard against a real societal evils... yes, evil, and I'm NOT being dramatic here.  Worse than running up against an evil... is encountering evil that is created on our own hearts and minds.

You see, despite the rhetoric of most Americans, we still cling, desperately, to sexist gender roles. 

With all of the great dads that are all over the blogosphere at places like The BlogFathers, Mitch McDad, African-American Dad, and all the dads over at AllTop,  We see fathers doing the best they can to be good, participatory parents.  We see fathers as Girls Scout leaders, diaper changers, cooks for their kids, etc.... we see dads engaging in the full spectrum of parenting/child-rearing.  My friends, this is a beautiful thing.  Never before in the history of our society, have fathers been more involved in the lives of their children.

The problem is that our work as fathers isn't done.  There are barriers.  Oh, I am not talking about the barriers erected by workplace expectations, or barriers erected by travel.  I'm talking about barriers erected by our wives.  The mothers of our children.

Ladies, how many of you have ever caught yourself being resentful about not having had a shower on this day or that, or that your husband doesn't do enough with the kids?  I am certain that it is a terribly frustrating, and real problem... having said that, I must go on to ask you, how much of that have you brought on yourself by blocking your husband's access to your.... HIS children?

Have you ever seen your husband do something with the kids that is at odds with YOUR day to day activities with them?  Have you ever interceded by saying "We don't do it like that"? or worse, interrupting with a curt "here, I'LL do it"?  Have you ever made comments that might make him feel that he doesn't know what he is doing when it comes to even feeding his children?  Have you ever treated your man or talked to him like he was a dummy because he doesn't parent exactly the same way as you?  If so, you might be a "Gatekeeper"

A Gatekeeper.

Gatekeepers want their husbands/partners to do more... but they want it done THEIR way.  Gatekeepers want their husbands to be good dads, which in their minds means be another mom.  Gatekeepers often bemoan their plight as mothers, while tut-tutting men as being unfit to parent... aside from being financially and emotionally supportive. 

Sound familiar?  Some of you may know people like this.

Lest you think that this behavior only happens in the home, think again.  I'll wager that most of the parents who read this have either experienced or seen or even perpetrated the following:  Ignoring the lone dad at the play group; the school secretary that talks to a dad like he is an idiot when he asks a question; the mothers who offer to "help" a man when he has a baby with him; the pediatrician who asks if she should write down the medication instructs "for mommy, you know?"  You've seen these things, haven't you?  I know you have.

For you dads that are out there, keep doing the right things... it'll pay off.  Your children will be better for it.  Your sons will learn how to be dads & husbands from your example, and your daughters will learn what to expect from a husband.  For you moms, you keep on doing what you are doing, too... unless, of course, you are a Gatekeeper, too.  If you are, get with the program and realize that just because your man doesn't do it your way, it isn't necessarily wrong.

Comments

[Heather]

I know I do that sometimes. I try not to, but it happens. I'm human I guess. It's hard when I know I'm right though. (ducking)

[Gunfighter]

I guess the question that I would ask, Heather is this: Does your being right make him wrong? or, is what he is doing just something different than your way?

[FishyGirl]

You know what, GF? We actually have the opposite problem in our marriage, and I have no idea how to fix it. He leaves kid stuff to me, because "you're the one here with them all week, and I don't know these things" or worse "You're better at this than I am", and with other stuff like housework he's all up in my grill about "if you'd just do it right" or something about learning the right way to do things, and I can't seem to convince him that just because my way of doing something is different, that doesn't make it wrong. I want him to help out more with the kids, and I've said to him many times that if I'm better at something than he is it's only because I've had more practice, and he'll get better if he practices. Any ideas for me? Cause a 2X4 upside the head just doesn't seem like it would be very productive....

[Leslie]

Gunfighter, this is a brilliant post and it is right on! I think our roles as parents include helping the other parent foster a good relationship with our children. I realize that as a stay-at-home mom, I set the tone in our household. At-home is my domain - I direct the flow activity and set the mood. I realize that I can make it easier or harder for my husband to fit into it when he is home from work.

I think that "gatekeepers" often feel powerless and use that one power they know they have - their influence with the children - to try and even the playing field. But the children are the ones who suffer. Kids need a mom AND dad.

I am proud that my daughter has a good relationship with her dad. It makes me feel a little more confident that her future relationships(particularly with men) will, hopefully, be positive ones because of that relationship with him. He is her first example of what a man should be. That's something I can't do for her.

Great post.

[CamiKaos]

great post...

I see this at the park all the time... but not at K's school. There are a lot of very involved dads in this neighborhood and I think we all benefit from it.

When K was really little I was a bit of a task master/ gatekeeper because I felt like she needed to have her schedule and I needed to have her schedule to keep my sanity... but as she's gotten older all three of us have become more flexible and I like to think that it's working well.

[Thalia's Child]

This is a great, thought provoking post - I try really hard not to 'gatekeep' with my husband - he's only home 1 week out of the month, so I try to let(make) him do everything with our daughter for that week, so that she is aware (she's only 15 months old) that he is one of her primary caregivers too. I think sometimes he feels like I'm just taking a weeks vacation (which, admittedly, it kind of is), but I really want her to know he can care for her the same way Mummy can...

That said, sometimes I watch him fumble through his day with her and catch myself taking over...Hmm.

[Mrs. GF]

A very good friend of mine had six siblings and she said that they had a way of speaking to each other and to their mom that completely changed when her father was there. They called it "Daddy's home." Are any of you aware of that in your own households? I would say that Soccer Girl automatically adds all the details in the stories that she tells me instead of the stripped down versions she tells GF. Do children perceive that mom wants to know more/different things than dad--or vice versa?

I feel I must also point out that men get extra credit simply for being near a child! Nobody ever told me what a wonderful mother I was simply for holding a baby!! (So GF you have that going for you...which is nice!)

[Sherri]

Gatekeeper or not, Good Dads are awesome and have a lifelong impact on their children.

[melissa]

I'm a reforming gatekeeper. I haven't been that way since the guys were really little, but I do admit that I was. Now that I've relaxed, things are so much better around here. :)

Good post!

[Backpacking Dad]

No, dude.

It's not a mom problem.

It's an at-home parent problem.

The dadblogs and forums that are out there often include hints about Gatekeeperish tendencies amongst the SAHDs in the blogosphere.

Don't fall into the gender role trap you warn the rest of us away from.

[Amy]

Thanks for the reminder. I try not to do this but sometimes catch myself or John will point out that I am doing it. You are absolutely correct. And not just with the kids, but other stuff around the house. Why shouldn't you guys be at liberty to rearrange the pantry, kitchen cupboards, furniture etc. the way you think would work best? Or leave a mess until later, or ask us to clean up after ourselves, etc., etc. There is never just one "right" way to do something. We have to remember that our spouse is not a child but an adult and perfectly capable of acting like one. And a marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.

[Keith]

Thanks for the shout!

I'm lucky because my wife stopped being the gatekeeper early on. She realized that every time she left the house and come back our son was still in one piece. That helped a lot. What helps now is that we agree 97% of the time on how we want to raise our son. But I fully know what you're talking about because I did have to prove to my wife and my family. I had to convince them that I had "it" under control, and that I was ready to take on the job at hand.

The pediatrician doesn't buy it though.

[Trish]

Good post. I know mothers like this. Talk about making a rod for your own back...